Last week, my friend Luke and I had the opportunity to speak to a group of young men about the dangers of pornography. As I prepared for our time with these men, I realized I have not yet shared on this site my story and struggle with pornography. I set out with no intentions of writing about pornography, but realized that if even one person read this and was encouraged to not ever look at porn or if someone decided to quit looking at porn, then the writing of this post has been well worth the time.
This is the story of how pornography nearly ruined my life.
I have the same story as many of you out there (mostly men, but increasingly women). I saw porn for the first time as a seven or eight year old. A friend found his dad’s secret porn stash in his attic, invited me over and introduced me to the secret, fascinating, HORRIBLE, world of pornography. My life was forever changed.
My porn addiction started in my friend’s attic. I brought centerfolds home with me and learned about the physical differences between men and women. Even though I had no idea what I was looking at, I knew I liked it and I knew, deep down, something was wrong with my behaviors.
As an 11-year old, while delivering newspapers as a paperboy on my bike, I found a magazine someone threw out of their car. I have cussed this person so many times over the years. My pornography addiction changed as I saw images of men with women and women with women, not just pictures of women on their own.
A few years later I saw my first video. And then as a 16-year old, I managed a video store with a porn room. Now my addiction included actors/actresses, “plot lines” and different types of pornography. I believed I possessed the keys to the kingdom of pleasure.
The problem only grew worse as I started to live out what I saw in porn. As I grew older and lived on my own, the addiction included phone sex, chat rooms, and more online porn than I care to admit. The tears well up and my heart breaks even typing and re-reading the words I just typed on the screen.
In the process, I developed a distorted view of women, of sex, of intimacy, marriage and relationships and of what it meant to be a man.
- A desirable woman looks like and responds to sex like women in porn.
- My expectations of what sex really looked and sounded like were destroyed.
- Intimacy = sex. Simple as that.
- The end goal of relationships with women is sex.
- Manliness meant you conquered women, looked a certain way and performed a certain way.
- I was consumed by porn, wondering when I would get my next fix.
Pornography was ruining my life.
I still managed to convince the rest of the world I had my life all well put-together. I was in school full time, had some great friends, and even started attending church. But I was not about to let anyone into or allow anyone to mess with my porn addiction.
At the age of 24, I trusted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Everything in my life changed: my view of the world, my friendships, my purpose in life, my sin patterns, the way I spent my time and money, and so much more. Everything changed except for my pornography addiction. This was the one sin I was not willing to let go. No one knew and I pretended I had it all together as a Christian. I lived a double life and pretended to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength.
Finally, I could not hide my sin any longer. The tension between my outward appearance and inward sin struggle got too intense. One night in community group, I shared with the other five men in my group about my lifelong struggle with pornography. I gave them the gory details, apologized to them for lying to and hiding from them, and verbally vomited all over them. I expected them to laugh at me, tell the pastor on me and kick me out of church.
Instead, they thanked me for sharing, shared they had a similar struggle, and they prayed for me. In the process I experienced Proverbs 28:13. This verse says, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” I also re-learned James 5:16. James writes, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”
Sharing with this group of guys was a true turning point in my life. In Part 2 of this mini-series on my blog on pornography, I will share what and who the Lord used to help prevent porn from continuing to ruin my life (How to NOT Allow Porn to Ruin Your Life). If you struggle with porn, I believe you will be encouraged to hear how porn does not have to continue to ruin your life.
Your Turn:
Is pornography a struggle in your life? If not, then what are you doing to keep porn from defeating you? If yes, then have you shared this struggle with anyone else?
How can you keep pornography from ruining your life?
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Will
I think all men have gone through the same struggle (or continue with it, in most cases, including my own). That’s not to excuse sin, as if to say, “eveyone else is doing it…”, but the biggest challenge for me is feeling like I am on an island, an island that even Jesus doesn’t want to come to. I begin to feel like I’m a freak for thinking about sex as much as I do, shaming myself to think that I am too broken for Jesus.
We all know how stupid that sounds, but when you are in the darkest of dark places, the devil will use your sin against you, not to slip you up, but to urge you to question your own worthiness for Christ’s grace.
I had a similar story as you, Scott. I found my Dad’s stash of centerfold magazines when I was 6. I found a hardcore magazine in the woods behind our neighborhood just 3-4 years later, and it was a gamechanger for me. I was 10, and it was already at the forefront of my mind nearly every day. As the current father of a 9-year old who turns 10 later this month, this thought terrifies me.
To this day, porn still is a problem for me. I will go a couple weeks without looking at anything or really even thinking about it, and then I’ll go through a 2-day binge of it, and the recycling of emotions – guilt, disgust, self-loathing, low self-esteem, etc. follow shortly behind.
I don’t share this problem with others, as I’m sure most others don’t, because of one thing – shame. Too much shame to share with my spouse because it would imply that she’s not good enough for me. Too much shame to share with my friends because of the fear that I’m the only one that is in this deep…too far gone. When I have hinted at it with other friends, it never fully described the captivity I feel.
I pray about it a lot. I would appreciate you praying for me as well.
Scott Kedersha
Thanks for sharing, Will. I will pray for you as well.
The guilt/shame is what largely crippled me as well. I so desperately hope my kids don’t want through anything like I had to/chose to walk through with porn. Thanks for having the courage to comment and share. Praying now for you.
Nkululeko
Hey Will. I will be praying for you brother.
Elizabeth
Scott – Thank you for your transparency. No doubt many people will be helped by your honesty and vulnerability. As a mother of two sons (and two daughters) I am terrified of what they might stumble upon on the computer, iPod, or their phones (when that day comes) that could start out innocent and later turn into a willful addiction.
In fact, just this weekend our family went hiking through some creeks near our home and we stumbled upon some porn. My 9-year-old glanced at it unknowingly and it broke my heart that a small part of his innocence was stolen from him.
Stories like yours a good reminder for parents to constantly pray for our children’s protection … protection of their minds, hearts, and souls. And if they do succumb to temptation, I pray they would seek help immediately. Thank u again for your ministry!
Scott Kedersha
Thank you, Elizabeth. I am sad to hear about your 9-yr old, but am so grateful for a mom and dad who will point him in the right direction and shepherd him through it. Unfortunately it’s inevitable that all of our kids will probably come across it at some point along the way, but grateful for the chance to love them and shepherd them through it.
Praying with you, and thank you for the encouragement!
Jim
Most my experience is with ‘normal’ male response to sexuality and pornography.
Jail would definitely ruin my life. I have a friend who was arrested on a porn charge, facing job loss, wife leaving, family ostracism. Although his addictive behavior, laws do not distinguish-you are still broken. So, in a rational moment, consider the risks. And What Would Jesus Have Me Do?
Thanks Scott. You are doing excellent work!
Scott Kedersha
Thanks Jim. You’re spot on – what we think is harmless to everyone else is so damaging to our relationship with the Lord, with others, with a terrible industry and to our own guilt/shame and patterns of sin. The question you ask is the right one, and should lead to an easy answer. Thanks again, Jim.
Kyle
Scott – Thank you for this post. Like so many other men, and yourself, I have struggled with porn for a very long time. I was introduced to it at some point when I was younger, though not exactly sure of the age. I became a master liar and hid this addiction from everyone including my family, friends, girlfriends, and eventually my wife. The addiction has lasted for well over 20 years now. Eventually it led to extramarital affairs and a near destruction of my family as well as my life. Only by God’s grace has my marriage been restored, and my life has been restored. I am thankful that you have the courage to share your story in such a public fashion. As a father of two young boys I now feel my responsibility is to do whatever I can to educate my boys in this horrible sin that controls so many lives. I cannot protect them from everything, as you and other posters have mentioned. My prayer is that I am, and other fathers and mothers are, able to teach them in the ways of the Lord and tell them of the horrible ways that this seemingly innocent “habit” can destroy lives and relationships. Thank you again for sharing, I will be praying for this ministry.
Scott Kedersha
Kyle – thanks for sharing your story. Grateful to hear the Lord’s work in your life and marriage and how he has restored your marriage in spite of pornography addiction and infidelity. THANK YOU for encouraging me (and readers) with your story of restoration. Thank you for praying as well. Your boys are blessed to have you lead them moving forward.
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Jason
Scott- though I believe I am of a different faith this article has given me a spiritual boost. I am a sixteen years old who has and still struggles with pornography. It’s been about seven years since I was introduced. And about six years ago I visited with my bishop and was delayed on becoming a decon for I while till I worthy to pass the sacrement. It was short after the first few weeks of being worthy to pass the sacrement that I slipped again and I haven’t recovered since. It’s every once in a while when the spirit guides me to a page like this or a person who can help. But I feel as if I am not accepting gods help. I guess it’s probly because I’m still young and don’t understand the concepts that most do.
Scott Kedersha
Thanks for sharing, Jason, and so glad you found the post. I’d encourage you to read the other posts in the series as well.
Is there someone else you could ask to help you grow spiritually and in this battle? I’ve found other followers of Christ who have the same struggles – they’ve been a constant source of encouragement, care, and accountability for me, and I pray would do the same for you.
Read 1 Timothy 4:12 – don’t let anyone look down on you because you’re young. I hope that’s an encouragement to you, and would challenge you to not see your age as a reason for why you can’t grow spiritually or in habits/patterns.
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