I don’t like to be told what I’m doing wrong or when someone “encourages” me to take some ground in specific areas of my life. I don’t like when my wife and kids, with lots of love, inform me that I hurt or offended them. I don’t like when my community sees some sin in my life and challenges me to grow. Lord knows I’m not perfect, but I sure don’t want you to tell me where I fall short.
There’s a word for my argumentative response to someone’s attempts to challenge or grow me. It’s called being defensive. We all know what it looks like (because we’ve all been defensive), but we don’t talk about it much.
Dr. John M Gottman, one of the country’s foremost relationship experts, has done a whole lot of research-based work on marriage and relationships, especially in the area of communication and conflict. Although he is not a follower of Christ, he has still provided a wealth of useful principles and counsel for making relationships work.
One of the things Gottman is most known for is what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Gottman says, these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of relationships in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Today I want to spend some time on defensiveness. Gottman says defensiveness is really a way of blaming your significant other. When you’re defensive, you deflect and in essence say, “the problem isn’t me, it’s you.” The more defensive one spouse becomes, the more the conflict escalates and the more likely a verbal attack takes place.
You and I are good at being defensive. I don’t have to try – it’s the natural reaction to hard conversations or confrontation. In conversations with my wife, I want to argue and defend. When my kids challenge me, I want to defend. And when someone in my community group challenges me or gives me feedback I don’t like, my tendency is to defend myself and argue with the feedback. Defensiveness is a form of pride and hinders the goal of growing in your relationships.
What does Defensiveness look like?
- Sometimes when we’re defensive it’s because we don’t feel safe. The other person shares something with us, and because we don’t perceive a safe environment, we respond with defensiveness.
- Other times our defensiveness takes the form of withdrawing from a conversation. If I ignore the other person than I don’t need to deal with my issues or their feedback.
- Sometimes when we’re defensive we deflect away from what we did wrong and attempt to shine the light on all we did right.
- Most often defensiveness in my life looks like a prideful, argumentative response to the other person. I make excuses or rationalize, justify my decisions and turn the tables around and point the blame finger at them.
The defensive person is one who comes to the conversation wearing boxing gloves. They’re looking for a fight and don’t want to hear what you have to say.
Whatever it looks like in your life, you and I both know that it’s ugly, prideful and is not indicative of a humble, teachable spirit.
Now that I’ve just established the fact that we all can be defensive from time to time, we need to figure out what to do about it. For those of you who think you’re not defensive, you just proved my point. Thank you. We’re even defensive when someone tells us we’re defensive. #irony
What To Do When You Want To Be Defensive
I am trying to grow in this area. Here are a few steps I take when I get feedback from others.
- Shut your mouth and listen to what the other person has to say. Proverbs 18:2, 13, James 1:19.
- Choose to be humble. James 4:6
- Thank the other person for their feedback (whether you agree or disagree). This person could be God’s provision in your life to grow. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
- Respond with gentleness, not a spirit of anger. Proverbs 15:1
- Admit it if they’re right. Ask for wisdom from the Lord (James 1:5) and specific examples from your friend on how you can grow. Confess and ask for forgiveness if needed.
- If you disagree, thank them for their feedback, take note of what they shared, and process with your spouse or community. Again, be humble. Ask for wisdom. Follow-up with them after you have processed the feedback. Remember that for most people it’s hard to give feedback to others. Thank them, again, for choosing to share with you. Proverbs 27:6.
I know it’s hard. I don’t like to be wrong, but I know I NEED God’s Word, God’s Spirit and God’s people. It would stink to go through life alone (Genesis 2:18). Most times I have experienced significant seasons of growth it’s because someone has loved me enough to share some hard truth. Don’t allow your pride and desire to defend lead you to miss out on a great growth opportunity.
C.J.
I am so guilty of being defensive that it has caused a huge rift in my marriage. I am a horrible communicator to begin with and am usually a very passive-aggressive type of person, so whenever I get into an argument with my wife, I will either clam up and withdraw or I will explode in defensiveness. Neither way brings resolution to the problem, which remains unsolved and resentment and bitterness increases on both sides.
Probably the reason why we are trying to reconcile and redeem our marriage covenant after 22-plus years of marriage going to Christian marital counseling and trying to salvage the love that has been lost and create some way to bridge the disconnect that has destroyed our relationship.
Thanks for the continued inspirational advice and pray that my heart can melt to hear what God is trying to correct in me so I can be the man of God I need to be and then, in turn, be the husband my wife needs me to be.
Scott Kedersha
You do such a great job of modeling humility and owning your part, C.J. Continuing to pray for you and your wife.
Anna
Thanks for speaking right to an area that applies to everyone. 🙂
I tend to use “ignore the other person” method. I don’t know why I cannot keep doing this…won’t the issue go away if I ignore it long enough?
No seriously, thank you for speaking truth into a situation we all naturally gravitate to. No one likes when a fault is pointed out to them, even when it provides the opportunity to grow. I want to be better at stepping back, being silent (not ignoring), and responding humbly. The key to doing this is walking in the Spirit and not my flesh, Galatians 5:16, and denying myself, Luke 9:23.
Thank you again.
Scott Kedersha
Thanks, Anna. Great response with the perfect scriptures. Well-said! Glad this one hit home for you!
riis
Bullseye! What a great blog today Scott. My buddy, Dan G. taught me the WENI acronym: don’t Withdraw, Escalate, Negate or Invalidate. In conflict or when corrected, don’t be a WENI! While there is a little pinch of “flight” in me to withdraw, I’m usually rope-a-doping by escalating a bit, and negating and invalidating a lot. Trying to get rid of my boxing gloves, but they are taped on tight and I perform all daily functions with them on, and even sleep with them! Thanks for an honest look at a difficult problem that I face.
Scott Kedersha
Thanks for your honest response, Riis! The WENI communication model by Scott Stanley is awesome – we teach it in Merge, FG’s and re|engage. Some days you know you’re really doing well when you hit the cycle and get all 4 of them in one conversation!
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Gosh, I’m so quick to get defensive and shut down. This was a great read! Thank you!
Scott Kedersha
Thanks, Kariss! Always a good re-read for me. I need this… stupid pride getting in the way.
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