One month ago (9/15/20) Kristen and I celebrated 19 years of marriage. I shared a list of 19 reasons why I love my wife and we had a great 24-hour getaway in Austin without kids. On the surface, everything seems great with my wife and I. And thankfully, it is (below the surface as well)! But, I would be remiss to act like we always have it together and everything in marriage is perfect bliss.
In the middle of writing the blog post about how great my wife is, we got into an argument about a few minor issues. We quickly resolved it later that night, but the irony was not lost on me. As I reflected on all the reasons why I do love my wife and am grateful that I’m married to her, I did think through how easily it could all just wash away. We’ve all seen couples who look like they have it all together end up divorced or in misery.
When a couple goes through marriage problems, it’s typically not an overnight problem. It’s usually, emphasis on usually, a slow fade that comes from a series of poor decisions. In today’s post, I’m sharing 19 ways I could ruin my marriage. I share this not to be morbid, but partly to help keep me aware of the small decisions and slow fade that could ruin an incredible thing.
My hope in writing this post is that you also would make the time to consider how to both keep your relationship strong and to help you become aware of the small things that could take you in the wrong direction. This is a true “list post” without an explanation of most of the points. Many of these are self-explanatory, but I will expound on any that need more clarification. Keep reading to find out how you can get a free marriage book to help you not destroy your marriage.
19 Ways to Destroy Your Marriage
1. Fear of man.
I could say “yes” to the wrong things and “no” to the right things because I worry too much of what others might think of me and how I don’t want to disappoint them or let them down. See Galatians 1:10.
2. Food.
No, it’s not food in and of itself, but an addiction to and obsession with food. I could literally eat myself to death and ruin my marriage with my health decisions.
3. Idolatry of my children.
We don’t want to the couple who looks up one day when the kids are gone and the nest is empty and wonder what we do with ourselves now that the kids are gone.
4. Netflix/Hulu/Amazon Prime/YouTube TV/fill in the blank with your favorite TV/Cable provider.
I could literally watch The Office all the time, non-stop. Enough said.
5. My stupid iPhone.
Have you watched The Social Dilemma yet? Highly recommended but it will mess with you. I have a great, fully functioning phone, but something in me craves the new iPhone 12. Been there before, and I’ll probably be there again.
6. Greed and the pursuit of more, bigger, and newer.
It’s easy to get caught up in trying to keep up with the proverbial Jones’ and all their stuff. Greed leads me to work too much, to focus on selling more books, to finding more speaking gigs, and to keeping my eye on anything other than Jesus.
7. A check the box mentality in my time in the Word.
I pray the Word of God CHANGES you and me in every way. May it never be something I do to simply check the box. I want God’s Word to transform me, my marriage, and my family.
8. Other people.
People are great. God’s Word says to love and pursue others. I just want to make sure the “other” I pursue foremost is my wife.
9. A busy schedule filled with good things while I say “no” to the best things.
This is slightly different than #1 in that it’s not just things I say “yes” to, but those commitments we have for our whole family (i.e., sports, youth group, band). These are all good things, but when there are too many of them on too many nights, they can become bad/distracting things.
10. Unchecked and unconfessed lust.
I recently thought of a friend who is now separated and near divorced from his wife. One day he checked a girl out who wasn’t his wife and thought in his head that he wanted to get to know her. That look turned into lustful desire that led to a full-blown affair.
11. Boredom.
When we’re bored we look for fun outside of marriage. One of the common characteristics of couples who have an affair is that they’re bored in their marriage. Have fun. Date your spouse.
12. Stop having sex with each other.
God gave married couples the gift of sex for our good and for the glory of God. It’s a great gift; don’t waste it!
13. Quit talking to each other (and instead talk about each other to others).
If you want to tank your marriage, complain about your spouse to others, and don’t address the challenges with each other.
14. Keep secrets from each other.
Hiding purchases, passwords, and online conversations with someone of the opposite sex who’s not your spouse is a surefire way to ruin your marriage. My friend Rick Smith did a great marriage talk about marriage and technology. Check it out!
15. Threaten divorce.
In our house, we NEVER speak the “D-Word.” It’s not in our vocabulary and we don’t casually or jokingly throw it around. Remove the word (and the option) from your vocabulary.
16. Make decisions without discussing with your spouse.
A reminder: You’re one-flesh with each (Genesis 2:24), which means all decisions you make affect you AND your spouse.
17. Isolate.
The couple who isolates themselves seeks their own desires and fights against all sound wisdom (Provers 18:1). Rather, hang out with the wise and grow wise (Proverbs 13:20).
18. Nag your spouse and don’t encourage them.
A lot of scriptures come to mind here: Proverbs 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15. Here’s a better one—encourage each other, day by day, so that we’re not hardened by the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3:13). Your spouse needs you to encourage them. Seek to encourage, not nag.
19. Try to win every argument and discussion.
You might win the battle but you’ll lose the war.
As always, after a post like this you can probably think of many more reasons. Therefore, your list probably does not match up with mine. Remember, the purpose of this post is to help you become aware of ways you can destroy your marriage. As a result, when you become aware of what they are, you fight like crazy against them. I’m cheering you on and praying for you.
Giveaway: I’ve got a few marriage books I’d love to give away. Leave a comment below, share what can take you down, and I’ll give away a few books from those who comment below. Let’s help each other, friends. There’s too much at stake.
Your Turn:
What are some ways you find yourself drifting away from your spouse?
What are some ways you fight/combat the drift?
Amy Smith
Making it all about yourself. Right now I’m sick and need surgery. My emotions are all over the place. It’s important for me to share my heart and feelings, but it’s equally important to ask and listen and hear where his heart is and what his feelings are.
Scott Kedersha
Thank you, Amy!
Kevyn Rails
Trying to “fix” things rather than just truly holding some space to listen and reflect.
Scott Kedersha
Great answer – thanks, Kevyn!
Russell Hollingsworth
Scott,
Thank you for your ministry and your writing. It always comes at an apt time, gives me much to think through and Encourages me to be the husband God has called me to be. I can and have been guilty of many of the things included in this list and it always comes down to the root problem of Selfishness. My sinful desire to put myself above Whitney.
Thanks again for all you do!
Scott Kedersha
So good to hear from you, buddy! Hope you and Whitney are doing well. Great and accurate response on selfishness…
Lindsey Driscoll
Making conversation all about business. I have struggle with this as a stay at home mom for the last year. I used to plan and execute in the corporate world and have others to talk to and strategize about ways to solve problems. I can tend to make time together all about the business of life.
Scott Kedersha
So spot on, Lindsey. We’ve been guilty of all conversations being about kids and work and not getting to heart issues or what God is teaching/showing us.
Kaila Garay
Not having intentional conversations regularly to discuss the health of your heart, and to intentionally listen to your spouse as they share the health of their heart.
Scott Kedersha
Thanks, Kalia! Great answer!
Rebecca Neely
Great post! Needed the read… Recently married in January then moved to Philadelphia, PA. Lincoln and I have been saturated in the teachings of how to have a healthy marriage— in singleness and marriage. I think we have a digital PDF, paper copy, AND written notes of the conflict field guide, yet, if it remains an external supplement and not an internal practice, it leaves us feeling contempt, disappointed, angry, and selfish. What brings us down is not putting to practice the things we know (primarily due to pride) leading us to doubt God’s provision of each other and keeping us from honoring Him by how we treat, love, and honor one another.
Scott Kedersha
So good, Rebecca. Thanks for your honesty – I really appreciate your transparent response and you’re so spot on.
Kelly Langley
Insightful post as always. Hope things are going well, Scott.
Scott Kedersha
Thanks, Kelly! We need to catch up – would love to hear how things are going in marriage ministry world!
Richard Mutabazi
When I think my wife is perfect, won’t annoy me, won’t accuse me of what I’ve not done. Then I will be in for unnecessary heart ache. My solution is to allow room for her errors and not to take to heart the nasty bits.
Scott Kedersha
Great response, Richard!
Marni Walsh
Happy 19th anniversary!! Thanks for sharing your wisdom! We sure miss you up here in Dallas!! 😢
When I find myself frustrated with Josh a lot, or criticizing him often, I realize I’m falling into the trap of thinking my husband should be perfect. When in all reality, he should be pursuing Jesus and striving to be like Him, but he will always be human and will always fall short. And so will I! It’s helpful for me to remember that we are on the same team, running this race together, and should be lifting one another up, not tearing down.
Scott Kedersha
Excellent, Marni! Thanks for sharing, friend. And hope you guys are well – we miss all our Dallas friends so much!
Ben Sanford
Just yesterday day I thought I knew what my bride wanted. What I did not do, is ask her what she wanted. I took all four kids and kept them busy all day long and out of her hair. What she wanted was family time together. I missed the mark. All I had to do was open a line of communication and ask her what she wanted instead of thinking I know what she wants.
Scott Kedersha
Good word, Ben. Grateful for you sharing this – I think we can all relate to something like this for sure!!
Rob McMillen
Scott, Great list. In response to your question about “Ways to combat our tendency to sabotage our marriage?” I like to remember that we are prone to wander and that we are engaged in a daily war with our flesh, the world and the devil.
On a practical note I tend to subconsciously “take the temperature” of our marriage each day. Or one could use your list and just ask themselves, YES OR NO, for each area. When you get the wrong answer, then it is time for a conversation between the two of you.
My word for the year, is INTENTIONALITY. Being intentional in my marriage definitely makes me a leader (and I like thinking that I am…). Fortunately, Lou Ann is as intentional or more than I am… Together we are better.
Scott Kedersha
You are a study, my friend. Grateful for your wisdom and the ways you intentionally live it out. Thanks for sharing with us!
William P.
Recently divorced. One thing that ruined the marriage was the lack of communication on a daily basis – Communication with God and communication with each other. When you do communicate, make sure to emphasize the positive and not the negative! We all make mistakes. Learn from them and press on toward a better future without dwelling on the past.
Scott Kedersha
Thanks William. So sorry to hear about the recent divorce and I appreciate you sharing what you learned in the midst of this trial.
Nicolas Ochoa
1. Pridefulness will kill your marriage – must fight to walk in humility each and every day
2. Lacking the mentality and posture of “racing to repentance” & being the first one to confess when I miss it
Scott Kedersha
Awesome, Nic! Great response!
Larry Hernandez
Thanks Scott ! Great insights and good reminders
Scott Kedersha
Thanks, Larry! Hope you and Jen are doing well!!
Karly Kitch
Happy Anniversary, Scott!! Thanks again for all you do to help promote healthy, God-centered relationships. Some of the things that take me down in my relationship are:
1) When I assume the motives of my partner
2) When I bottle things in and don’t openly communicate
3) Keeping records of wrongs and not letting things go
Scott Kedersha
SO good! Thanks for sharing these, Karly. Agreed on all three!
Tyler Moffett
So good, Scott! Thank you for these. And helpful. Especially about boredom and trying to win every argument. That’s a good one. Help you are doing well in the land of the silos!
Scott Kedersha
Thanks, Tyler! Hope you and your fam are doing great as well!
Claressa
Scott, thanks so much for another great post and things to chew on! As Edward and I celebrate our 3rd anniversary tomorrow 😊, there are a couple of things that come to mind. First, not believing the best about our spouse and instead making them our enemy, can lead to a bad place. And the longer we focus or stay there, the worse it gets. Being quick to resolve conflict and hurt is so critical! Which leads me to the second one. However, WHEN and HOW you address conflict, hurt or any difficult conversation matters. Love the H.A.L.T. acronym…not a good idea if you are hungry, angry, late or tired. Invariably that’s when our conversations can go the worst!
Scott Kedersha
Happy 3rd anniversary to you 2 lovebirds! Great stuff – thank you for sharing.
Scott Kedersha
Congrats to Amy, Rebecca, and Claressa for winning the book giveaway! I’ll reach out to you via a separate email.
Angie
Stumbled across this through an email I received. My husband and I have drifted apart. This article helps me see where we can begin to rebuild our marriage. Thank you so much for this blog!! Amazing I was at a loss and I fell like God provided this at a time we need it most!